Emotional Mess

My favourite photo of me and my girl <3 Love you forever Squidgey

I haven’t posted for quite a while. I’ve had far too much to deal with.

In June, it started off with me and the girl I went out with for my birthday falling out at work. It was a massive misunderstood mess that had everyone and their mom involved. But we got it sorted. I fell out with a couple of work mates over something one said about another. But now me and one of them are alright – the one who had something said about them. My best work mate left the job and it’s hard because she was like my mum at work. Then Kyle was in hospital with suspected pneumonia.. Thankfully it turned out to just be a lower respitory tract infection. Then out of nowhere and totally unexpected, on the 18th October my baby girl Skiddari died and this is the one event that has hit me hardest.  We don’t know what happened exactly but my Dad assumes she had a heart attack. We didn’t call a vet or have any autopsy done. I just asked for her to be cremated. I couldn’t deal with her being sliced and diced and would rather just assume it was a heart attack. So I’ve had her ashes back nearly a week. My dad paid £480 for her to be cremated. She now lives in my little ‘lady cave’ that stores all my horse stuff. When Kyle and I get our own place I will be turning an area of our living room into a shrine for her. And now after 2 weeks of being understanding my boss is being a complete dick. Picking on me and basically treating me like shit. 

Skiddari dying has knocked me for six. I haven’t properly grieved for her either and have just gone to work and ‘dealt’ with it that way. I go from one extreme to another. On Sunday night I had 2 hours sleep, on Tuesday I slept from about 7.30 until 3am. I can eat loads one day and barely anything the next. My moods are all over too and I can be alright one minute then either get really angry where I get chest pains or just burst into tears. I’ve been trying to make a doctors appointment but I’ve not been able to get in. So today, I have phoned in sick at work – I was shaking, crying and feeling like I was gunna vomit at the thought of calling and then again when I’d done it. On Monday at work I had what I assume was an aniexty attack. And because I was talking to someone to try and take my mind off it, my manager went ballistic at me saying there was nothing wrong. I dare anyone to spend a night in my head.. I’m telling you, nobody could. 

Yesterday she screamed and shouted at me where the whole packing hall turned around to look. Even after the first time when I told her to leave me the hell alone she ignored me for a few hours then decided to start again. I told her to quit treating me like shit because I’ve got enough on my plate without her adding to it. I was that frustrated I was in tears. A woman I work with called Tracey.. She’s more a friend really, have me a hug and asked me what was up. So I told her. She said to me ‘I don’t wanna see you at work tomorrow. You need to take some time out for you. You haven’t properly grieved for your horse. And if you don’t take time out, your head will explode’. I bet she’ll be shocked that I actually listened to her this time. My manager will probably give me an ear full for this but I’ve been saying for the last 3 weeks that I can’t cope. So maybe she’ll get the hint this time. Im supposed to have half a day holiday tomorrow (6am til 10am) but I guess I’ll have to see what gets said at the doctors later. I’m going to see my mate Anne tomorrow and have a catch up. She’s the one who has stuck by me through everything. Then I have a weekend with Kyle to look forward to. My aunt and uncle are coming up from Wales too so that’ll be nice too